| Goodnight all |
[Sep. 30th, 2009|01:50 am] |
There is too much in my past which I cling to. Let those friendships, relationships, and otherwise be forgotten. Let those I've abandoned and those who have abandoned me be just that. Let questions without answers remain so. Let emotions and issues with resolution be so. Let longheld angers and frustrations be let to fade into the ether. It isn't unhealthy to seek resolution, answers, and peace. But there are times where one must call of the search for such things. There are times that lingering doubts and pains must be put to rest. In my own way, I suppose this is my attempt to do so.
Those I have loved and lost, I suppose I will always love. I have no control over that, what I do control is the ability not to revisit those things. To release myself and others from those bounds in whatever way I can. And indeed I have the intent to do likewise with those I have angered and who have angered me. In my own time perhaps I will leave go of bitternesses and transgressions. I can only hope those who have similar claims against me will release their own in time. As I grow older, I find I have little use for such burdens, perhaps you will find the same. If not I wish you happiness just the same.
I find myself with a lot of anger and questions, I guess it has always been so. Right now I just find myself questioning the worth of them. Whether the answers or resolutions would grant me any peace. I guess in some way the answer is perhaps. But not as much if I release them all and move on. So goodnight babydoll, I wish you the world and all it holds for you, and your family. Goodnight angel, I hope you have found or do find which that completes you. Goodnight my brother, we have in our own ways faced a flurry of challenges which I pray relent and bring us our respective peace.
For my own sanity, strength and will I have to leave go of all this in this. In the coming months I stand to face challenges which will be all consuming. I realize there is little to gain in recounting the glory and failures of the past. And there is little I can take from it without regret and misgivings. I wish you all the best, whether named or otherwise. In some undeniable way you shall all remain a part of me. At the same moment you tether me to things I cannot recapture. I love you all, but in the same sense I love myself enough to know that I must move forward. So goodbye friends, loves, acquaintances, and anything else you might define yourself as. I must face the challenges I am put against alone and renewed. I hope in time you'll understand.
With all my love and sincerest regards,
MDL |
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| My Odyssey |
[Sep. 27th, 2009|12:17 am] |
It's been a long time livejournal. I've wanted to write now and then but the words escape me or the site crashes, or I simply get scared. Tonight sitting in an empty house with the thunder outside I can't help but turn inward. And lately that's all I do, I rage against myself in silence and alone. In some way I guess at its most basic I'm doing that here as well. But in some way I can release it to the ether and hold it at just arm's length at the same time. And though I'm rather sure I don't have readers and I might be the last person on lj anymore, it's sorta like talking about what's happened. So let's go back a couple months.
Horrible stressful day + cold + years of self abuse + years of ill health = a couple weeks being bed ridden in my parents' home. I spent a month at home avoiding my house unable to eat unable to move. They tried to help, doctors at the walk in clinic tried to help, it was all for not. After a month plus of pain and weakness I allowed myself to be hospitalized. What followed was weeks of hospitalization and a nice long stint in the ICU. During it all we found out what was wrong and apparently what has been wrong for the past couple years. I had/have congestive heart failure. Apparently the graft versus host disease which had ravaged my mouth, skin, and nails, was also destroying my heart muscle. My heart had taken a couple hard hits from the chemo drugs and the radiation so left vulnerable the infections which followed weakened it catastrophically. As of June of this year I have lost upwards of 75% of my hearts strength and function.
The good news is I'm out of the hospital and living with weekly or bi-weekly doctors visits. I'm able to enjoy parts of my life and I guess you could say right now I'm approximating normalcy. I've changed my diet and behavior as best I can. The doctors say my numbers and test results indicate I've become a model patient. I'm just having problems coping with life taking more from me than it already has. This time around there is no insurance, so what little money I have is being consumed by bills quicker than one can imagine. I stand to lose the car and house I just bought this last year. And to top all that my doctors say I'll never work a day in my life.
The real battle is yet to come. In a couple months there will be more tests and more evaluation. And then I'll know what further surgeries and drugs I'll need. There's a good chance I'll need a pace maker at least and at worst a heart transplant. My doctors are divided on the likelihood of the latter but my cardiologist seems to think my condition is desperate. So here I am once more alone raging at fate, any god that there may be, and anything else which seems to have conspired against me. I'm tired of raging and I'm tired of fighting. I dreamt last night of the first Rocky movie. The underdog gets into the fight of the life, he gets knocked down, he gets up, but in the end of that movie he loses. I was Rocky, illness was my opponent, and death the referee. In the end I couldn't get up anymore.
It's odd because today I was watching a show on Odysseus. Odd I say because he is described as a mere mortal, who faced great adversity, who got knocked down more than any man, but always got up. My trials may not by mythic in their scope but they are massive in my perception. I am no hero, I have no remarkable powers or skills, and I am nearly broken. If I do endure all this I have long wanted to tattoo "SURVIVOR" across my back. Now I think a reference to Odysseus, the greek "Man of Pain", to accompany it. |
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| More curry today... |
[Jan. 12th, 2009|02:24 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  content | ] |
Nothing else really of note. It's been a somewhat productive couple weeks as I work to move into the house. I'm not quite there yet just kind grinding away at it. I'm hoping to be completely in within the next 2 weeks. But for now I'm updating from the porch as usual.
As my subject line says today I had more curry. It's kinda cool that my folks have embraced more adventurous eating. Dad made the decision since mom was at church and had planned on a salad on account of a diet. It was sorta nice just to go have dinner with the old man and not having it turn into 20 questions and what are you going to do about this that and the other. Put that together with tasty curry beef and a sticky rice dessert and you have a pretty damn good meal.
until next time.... |
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| A lot of stuff.. |
[Dec. 29th, 2008|03:30 am] |
Ok first I'd like to wish the best for two of my closest friends. I've known them both for over 5 years and over the past 3 or so they've been dating. I know they are in love with each other but it's been in doubt whether it would lead to anything significant. Recently they broke up but continue to talk and entertain feelings for each other. He's hurt, she's trying to move on but failing in a lot of ways. I've been in the middle of it for the past couple weeks and I'm just hoping that it works out for the best, whatever that may be. Tonight I gave my friend the only advice I could. Get it out, say what's in your heart, take what comes, and know that you could do no more than that. It's advice I gave myself, I don't know if it helped or not, I just know it eased my mind, sorta.
In happier/stess inducing news, tomorrow I close on my house. Yeah I know. By noon tomorrow I will be a home owner. Imagine that. Anyways, hoping you all had a happy holiday and here's wishing everyone a happy new year. |
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| A Start... |
[Dec. 22nd, 2008|04:38 am] |
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I had a mild red thai curry the other night for dinner. I didn't scream in pain and I'd say it was an invigorating experience. It was a bright spot in a relatively stressful period in my life. And it was a welcome taste of something I loved in my past. |
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| Sigh.... |
[Aug. 18th, 2008|04:45 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  depressed | ] |
Is in a bad place I apologize.
My daily routine has been less than rewarding for some time now. I know I've tried on occasion to capture it. To make sense of it, to not be too melodramatic, to express myself. I know how fortunate I am. I've had a roof over my head. I haven't wanted for much at all. I have a supportive family. I'm aware of the privileges I enjoy by not working and not having the number of responsibilities someone my age should. Just the same I have all the time in the world to dwell on what isn't there. Right or wrong I do and this is the result.
My days are simple and unfulfilling. I wake whenever I feel like it, often just to lay back down again and escape into sleep. At least in my sleep there is a chance to dream, and as of late my dreams have been rather vivid. In them I can feel fulfilled, needed, wanted. It doesn't happen all that often but the oppressive feeling that something is lacking is absent. Once I do finally wake and choose to face the day, there are any number of things to be done. All of which I've either forgotten altogether to do, will put off for another day, or have gotten up too late to do anything about. So I resign myself to the television and dvr'd stuff from my nights out previous. At some point I turn this laptop on, load messenger, and hope someone drops me a line. I usually don't have email. Almost all the names on my IM are obsolete. I just wait and try to kill time google-ing or wiki-ing things that may pop into my head. At some point nearing the evening I close this little box up and seek nourishment. I try to figure out what to do about food. I make a few calls to the folks, "You gonna be home?" "I think you're on your own tonight." "See ya whenever. Bye" This is the summation of my opportunities for social interaction outside of a bar on the average day.
Once I have eaten or not depending on my appetite that particular day, I debate on what to do with the evening. I make a half ass attempt to entertain myself with tv, the internet, and occasionally video games. This usually ends with the overwhelming sense that I miss something elsewhere. So I clean up quick, rarely bothering to shave, toss on clean clothes, and head out. There's only a couple bars I frequent and on any given night you can find me at one of the 3. My time of arrival varies depending on how long I was able to keep myself distracted. I may stay for a half hour or til closing. But most nights I'm there on way or the other.
I usually know a couple people on any given night, if I don't I usually change locations. Almost always within the first 2 bars I've found someone who I consider a friend and with whom I can at least exchange a few words. Often I know many people, in a way I'm rather popular. Many nights I know 15 or 20 people or should I say 15 or 20 people know me. My memory has long ago failed me and most names from casual encounters leave me within minutes of introduction. So I fumble through pleasantries and any further conversations and consider myself lucky if I'm not called out. In all I'd wager the number of people I've met in the past couple years is in the hundreds perhaps higher. The cast of characters who I see every couple months is easily a hundred or so. Those whose names I can remember might reach a quarter of that. I have before discussed the fact that people approach and open up to me for some random and curious reason. Combined with this ability some of these people have exposed profound things about themselves to me and I cannot recall. In a way I'm perfect to confess to I offer acceptance and solutions then forget the deep dark secrets and even your identity. This is a constant source of aggravation for myself and for those who see through my attempts to just get by. I've tried to train my brain and to leave myself notes and memos, but it does me no good. It has left me constantly searching for names, histories, something. More often than not I am left with just questions.
Which brings me to those I do know, my "friends". I put the term in quotes cause in my mind I'm not sure if it's the best word. I could say acquaintances but I see them often, have discussions both insignificant and otherwise. There are the rare few with whom I have shared much and they truly do qualify as friends in every sense of the words. The others tho seem too significant to wholesale disqualify tho. But for all of the above most I only know in the context of cigarettes and alcohol that a bar provides. Some have entered my normal day to day. But in some weird way none of them are complete. I have a couple great friends, Jeramy, Mike, Kari, but they are few and far between. In my daily life they aren't there, I know they would be if they could. The result is I don't have any real day to day friends, people I can regularly depend on. And in the state I'm in I need that sort of thing I think. My sense of absolute loneliness drives me to bad places like this entry. It also takes me out every night seeking some sort of connection. The one's I have found have their merits, they're sorta reliable, and not always parasitic. I know that's not very positive but I'm not feeling happy and shiny right now. I guess I can say there is some degree of comfort from time to time, I occasionally laugh and smile. They may not be the most rewarding exchanges, but they're the only ones I have.
But the reality is that I come home every night to the same loneliness that I started with. I don't manage to sleep well and when I finally get to sleep I don't really want to wake up. (Don't get me wrong I don't want to die or anything, I just prefer dreaming.) But I do and I plod along. I guess what makes it so much harder and is bringing it out right now is that I have this sense that I have changed. I feel like I'm really getting healthier, I have the new car, and at times I'm even optimistic about getting to work and whatnot. It seems like I've made some progress and it's not gaining me anything. I'm still sitting here alone, with only the cold comfort of a restless sleep. Yes I'm looking for someone to love me and hold me, but in this case I'd just like friends to rely on. |
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| Changes... |
[Aug. 2nd, 2008|03:00 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | hopeful | ] |
You know I've put off writing this for a long time now. I start to write and I find myself stuck or just closing the window. In some way I have wanted to document the past month. In others doing so makes a public promise to myself and those who love me. But now as July has passed and I enter my first complete month as a 30 year old I want more than ever to do this.
On my birthday I wrote the letter to Social Security requesting my name by removed from their list of recipients. In doing so I also requested a cessation of Medicaid benefits. There were a couple reasons for doing so but the most important being it was time for a change. The problem is I have no idea what form that change will take.
My first major change was buying the Challenger. I still have the Roadrunner and the Avalanche. But I went out and spent a good bit of money on something I just wanted. I know that seems a little nuts and irrational. In all honesty I struggled with the decision for just those reasons. But in the same moment making that decision brought me great happiness and was liberating. I haven't allowed myself many indulgences the past 10 or so years. Buying my Challenger was a nice change of pace.
But what is at the heart of this change is finally going to work, moving out on my own, living this long delayed life I've dreamt of so long. This moment is something I've envisioned for some time. The problem with my visions, my dreams, is that I find myself with no clue of how to accomplish them. I don't know what steps to take. Right now I find myself uncertain on which way to go or what to do in the first place. What is it I want to do? Where is it I want to go? I don't have the answers yet. I know right now I have the opportunity to create change for myself. What form that change will take I haven't a clue. |
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| My Birthday Present... |
[Jul. 25th, 2008|03:20 am] |
follow link: http://360.yahoo.com/bigdaddy_fl_78
This was my belated birthday present to myself. I didn't need it yet but I have wanted one for years. I did a lot of debating, a lot of drooling over it, and a lot of general agonizing. I overthink everything including this purchase. But in the end it was my father of all people who tipped the scales. My father is a very fiscally conservative person, who generally doesn't agree with spending anything. But one morning a couple days after seeing one in person he called. He told me he had found a Challenger at a reasonable price and if I was interested to let him know. I asked what had driven him to this and he said "You've lived like a pauper for nearly 10 years. If it will make you happy you should get it." So despite some troubles and some changes in the plan I bought this. And you know what? Every time I sit behind the wheel, or stare at it in a parking lot, it's made me happy. |
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| I broke a promise.... |
[May. 3rd, 2008|02:18 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  empty | ] |
I broke a promise I made on here at the outset. I said I wouldn't edit myself of keep things private. Well I've done a little house cleaning. I've deleted a lot of entries so that they may no longer hold power over me. Looking back rarely brings me anything good so I have removed the temptation. On toward the future. |
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| Been too long... |
[Apr. 16th, 2008|04:47 am] |
It's been a while since I got to hang out with my buddy, Little Mike. He's not all that little but since I'm Big Mike he kinda gets stuck with the name. Mikey and I go back somewhere around 10 years. As of late I haven't talked to him much nor have we kicked back a couple beers together. This evening he gave me a call and we hung out for trivia and the events which followed. It was nice to have an old friend hang out. There aren't many people I really consider friends. I confess I have numerous acquaintances and casual friends. But there are a select few with whom I am close. Mikey is one of those people. We have shared some very good and some very bad times together. We know things about each other which few others do. It's a camaraderie which has spanned a decade and hundreds of personal conversations.
Having said that I have a point in all of this. Friends like Mike have context for situations that few others do. Consequently they can address and bring up points which others will or can not. Tonight Mike did just that. I casually mentioned an encounter with someone whom he is familiar with. That sparked a discussion which I wasn't quite prepared for but probably needed. Mike has had insights on my life which few others possess, as I have had for him. His opinions are very important to me, be they solicited or not. This evening he brought to the forefront things I have tried to repress. It's not that the thoughts haven't been with me. It's just that I have been surrounded by people ignorant to the situation. Consequently I find some escape from the constant self questioning and doubt. Perhaps at this juncture I needed someone to prod my mind and my heart. I just wasn't quite expecting it. I realize that sometimes I need people to call my hand as it were. I need them to draw me out of myself and address what sometimes needs addressing. Mike did that for me tonight. I don't know where to go from here but there's this sense that I ought to do something. What and how remains a question but that's for me to determine.
Just the same I am happy to have been able to drink a couple beers with him again. Like others in my life, he has been too far removed. It just made me happy to be able to reconnect with my friend. Right now I'll enjoy that for what it is. |
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| Professional Wrestling as Life Affirmation |
[Mar. 31st, 2008|04:46 am] |
I have now attended both the WWE Hall of Fame Induction and Wrestlemania 24. My focus is on the latter. I mentioned previously how being at this event would allow me to check something off my "bucket" list. Now I have. I started getting the feeling this was gonna be something special hours before th event itself. The party I was with went early to get parking and attend to FanAxess function beforehand. It was uneventful but I watched the thousands of people pouring in from all around. The streets were full of people, souvenir vendors, little food stands, the usual. But it all had a different feel from any other major event I've been to.
I don't want to go into details about the day, about the matches, etc etc. I'm sure if you're all that curious Jeramy will have a full recap. This is about it's significance to me. I know some will find what I have to say and feel difficult to understand. To answer a couple things up front. Yes I know wrestling is staged. The winner is set beforehand, the combatants communicate in ring, and they present themselves as characters. It's a soap opera for guys, kids, etc. I'm not ignorant of these things, I just don't care. It's exciting, it's inspiring, it's a great show. I've watched WWE events since I was smile. I grew up on Hulk Hogan, Brett Hart, even Andre the Giant. There are certain ring entrances that cause goosebumps and chills. It's just how it's always been. Sure it's a little goofy and simple but I think we all should have that from time to time.
That being said, I enjoyed the show. I got to see one of the greatest of all time, Ric Flair, in his last match. I got to see the changing of 2 championships. There was an over the top just plain brutal match between six men involving ladders. I ever got to see Snoop Dogg in a match involving Playboy bunnies. Along with a lightweight boxer and a giant. The whole thing just built and built. I cheered, I booed, they gave me moments of joy, and moments of disappointment. And by the end of the event I was drained.
The main event was my favorite wrestler who is still in the ring, the Undertaker. I've watched his entire career, 16 or 17 years. When the lights go down and the bells toll for his entrance I get the chills. Tonight I jumped to my feet and cheered like a wildman as those bells rang. Chills running up and down my spine. There were 4 druids on either side of the stage holding torches. The fog machines kicking at full blast you wait to see his silhouette. Had there been a roof on the building it would have taken off. There he was slowly walking to the ring. Fire blasting off the entrance stage at all levels. The music complimented by the crackling of fire and the rumble of thunder. Thousands of flash bulbs going off. For anyone who has never born witness it is an awesome thing. I'd seen him live before but never on this stage never at this level. He ascended the steps of the ring raised his hands and the lights came up as always. I've seen that entrance on tv and in person before. But it has never been anything quite like this. Nearly 70,000 people all cheering, all chanting, all losing their minds, just like I was.
So the champion, Edge, makes his entrance and the match begins. The crowd goes silent, people hoping to beat the madhouse trickle out. But there I sit fixated. The momentum swings back and forth every 3 or so minutes. Everyone shoots out of their seat for the big moves. You half expect the match is over 6 or 7 times. But as you know it will the count only reaches 2 and the pinned wrestler pops up a shoulder. You could feel the climax approaching, slowly the crowd woke up. As it seemed the Undertaker would lose you could sense the collective anguish. And in me there was a profound sadness at the idea that a 15 Wrestlemania win streak would be ended right before me. That one of heroes was about to lose in the biggest match I would ever attend. But at that last second he kicks out. But the ref goes down, he gets hit with a camera, Edge's cronies show up. I stand with growing dread sensing the worst. But the cronies go down, the ref gets replaced, and the Taker gets up from the camera hit. Still it's not over but I know I'll be standing til it is. My throat a bit sore but my voice isn't failing and the crowd is just at a constant hum. Then the opening comes, every fan knows it, everyone is on their feet, and there's a roar. Undertaker puts a chokehold on Edge after Edge's spear attempt. They flail in the ring Edge won't submit. I find myself screaming as loud as I have ever screamed "Tap You Son of a Bitch". 30 seconds or so passes and after one last reach for the rope Edge taps.
The whole place goes absolutely insane. I swear had Edge won it would have been a riot but instead it's elation. I'm on the verge of tears, I look to Jeramy and so is he. It's as if we had won the damn match or a million dollars or something similar. And as the rigid seating sections become liquid we move forward closer to the ring. We get 50 or so feet close and with 20 or so rows of the stage and there's the Undertaker. He goes to a knee in his pose of victory, extending his hand, rolling his eyes back, and raising one hand. I stand there just awe struck. I've never seen the Undertaker win a championship in person and now I have. Much less at Wrestlemania, the biggest show of the year, in the main event. That's when I thought to myself I lived to see it, I really made it. Right then I felt the tears come down my cheek as they are now. I don't care how it sounds but right then I was as happy as I've been in some time to be alive. I've been places all over the world. But I wouldn't trade being there and then for anywhere else. |
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| My list.... |
[Mar. 23rd, 2008|02:53 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  anxious | ] |
A while ago the a movie came out "the Bucket List". I'm sure it's a good flick, hell its got Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman in it. I just can't bring myself to see it. Deep down I think I'd enjoy it but I don't see myself being able to deal with it well. For that matter I'm not dealing with this entry real well.
I have my own bucket list. We didn't call it that at the time. I don't think there was a nifty name for it at the time. It was just the list of thing to do before you die. I think some called it a life goals list or something similar. I don't have the piece of paper anymore, well maybe I do but it's buried somewhere in a heap of medical papers. Anyways.. I've managed to clear a couple things off of it over the years.
My first couple were a little wierd to anyone without death in the picture. I wanted to live long enough to see the completion of 2 trilogies. I wanted to live long enough to see all 3 Lord of the Rings movies. Similarly I wanted to see the 3 Star Wars prequels. I remember taking some time to go to see them in theaters. I remember going to see the Revenge of the Sith late in it's theater run. I sent a message to some friends saying if you don't hear from me again it's cause I saw the movie. Something in me secretly suspected I'd pass once the credits ran. So I sat there in the theater and watched all the credits. At the end of them I found myself sitting in an empty theater with a tear in my eye. There were still other things on that list to do, but those were the two I was most open about.
I don't think anyone has seen my list. My mom possibly has, but I don't even think she did. It was something very private very personal. Not because of its contents but because of what it was. I guess it was an acceptance that time is indeed finite, mine possibly more so. I try not to think about it a whole lot. There are some things I might not manage. But I have scratched some thing off. And no matter how insignificant they may seem, I've always cried.
Next weekend I'm gonna cry again. In my mind I'm gonna pull out a Sharpie and scratch another thing off my list. In this case it will be going to Wrestlemania. I've been a wrestling fan most of my life. Those like me understand the magnitude of wrestlemania. There are people who come from other countries, states, etc to attend. This year I got lucky and it's right here in my backyard. So I'm going which is huge in itself, but I'm gonna take one more thing off the list. Now they say you take something off, you put something on. I don't know what to put on this time. But it feels really good to take one off. I think I'll just enjoy that for a while before figuring out what to do next. I think I'm allowed to savour it for a while, and I intend to do so. |
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| Something to think of... |
[Mar. 19th, 2008|05:24 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  nostalgic | ] |
Just a couple minutes ago I arrived home and laid down to go to bed. As I was laying there I was thinking oddly enough about the Roadrunner. I have had this fantasy that someone would write some letter to one of these "Pimp my ride" type shows. You know write the cancer story, the neglected car, etc etc. It never happened, it never will. In the midst of those thoughts my father comes to the door. He came in and said, "You don't have to decide now but your uncle says he'd buy your car for $5,000."
Hence I'm here. This isn't the first time I've endulged myself in the fantasy of having it fixed for me. And this isn't the only time I've had someone make me an offer on the car. To have the two happen at the same moment however is unique to say the least. You know I've thought about selling her in the past but nothing really comes of it. Now apparently I have a firm offer on her and from my drag racing uncle much less.
When I run the numbers I bought her for $5500 so I come out looking alright. Considering she's starting to rust, she needs transmission work, she leaks oil, needs header gaskets, and tends to overheat. I know there's a lot wrong. But she's my baby, I've had her over 10 years now, she's perhaps the last vestage of my pre-cancer days. That car was my online namesake, more than that it's a part of my identity. I don't know that I can ever let that go.
Just the same it depresses me so to see her in the shape she's in. I lack the know how and the ability to fix her by myself. I lack the money and contacts to have her fixed for me. The one thing I do have is time. Whether or not that will change anything I have no idea. I don't think I want to sell her. I just don't know if that means I shouldn't. |
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| I'm losing my mind... |
[Mar. 8th, 2008|06:38 am] |
I think I'm finally succumbing to some form of madness. I find myself increasingly paranoid when left alone in this house. I'm used to it during the daylight and I'm asleep by the time everyone is gone. But this evening I find myself alone and unable to rest. I've walked around the house 4 or 5 times now checking every room. I've closed the doors as a checking measure and keep a sword or knife at the ready. This is all a repeat of things I've done in the past. The past dozen or so times I find myself on my own in this place I go thru the same motions. Just the same I always feel like there is someone or something else here with me. And I'm having a hard time finding any comfort or rest. |
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| I Came, I Saw, I Conquered? Well maybe not. |
[Mar. 1st, 2008|11:08 am] |
Here is a report from the front lines in my war on inanimate objects. I as many others are the unfortunate slaves to Ticketmaster. We have to abide by their 10 a.m. on sale times. Who the hell really wants to get up at 10 on Saturday mornings to buy concert tickets. Much less me, waking up before the crack of noon is an ordeal of epic proportions. Just the same I do it, every time there's a Bad Religion concert, Ozzfest, or WWE event. Usually this doesn't take more than 10 or so minutes and at times I'm pretty lucky, despite dial up.
This brings me to this morning. Tickets for the WWE Hall of Fame Induction went on sale today. I followed the usual ritual of waking up, logging in, and repeatedly refreshing the page. Finally the option to search for tix comes up and boom, nothing. I get the whole not available at this time or check back later. This amazes me since I was on at 10 sharp and racing through the motions. So this persists for 15 or so minutes during which I call Jeramy to inform him I'm having no luck. After we hung up I decided to just start calling the local Ticketmaster line, which of course was useless. All the while clicking and typing and refreshing and going insane. I very well could have triggered some kind of Homeland Security alert due to the amount of activity. Everytime there was the same result and growing frustration. So after a half hour or so I gave up. I hung the phone up and closed the laptop. After calming down for 10 minutes or so I couldn't help but log back in and try again. After another 15 or 20 attempts success, of sorts. God damn upper level seats. So I call Jeramy see if he wants them, we decide we do, so I buy them.
Victory!?!? It sorts feels like it since the damn page has thwarted my efforts for what amounts to about an hour. But then again I'm paying $140 bucks for 2 upper bowl semi nosebleed seats that are supposed to cost $54 a piece. Of course there were service charges, facility charges, and god knows what else. So did I win? I don't think so. The only winner ever in this situation is Ticketmaster and why? Because if you think I'm getting up early enough to go to the O-rena, stand in line, and wait, you're sadly mistaken. So thank you Ticketmaster, for being unbelievably frustrating, and raping me with charges. How people existed without this kind of service for years I don't know. For that matter I have no idea how I can walk away feeling somewhat victorious after being violated.
Just the same I'm going to the WWE Hall of Fame Induction. And I feel good about that. |
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| The Neo Nazi and the Little Black Gal..... |
[Feb. 23rd, 2008|02:47 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | good | ] |
I don't know if I've talked about this before but I'm often mistaken for a neo-Nazi. I guess it's because I'm a big bald white guy with a long goatee. On occasion I'll be at Cowboys and become engaged in conversation with someone when out of the blue the person will say something along the lines of "If it ain't white it ain't right." I just sit in stunned silence and walk away or shake my head and the person walks. Now I have been known to use the word "nigger" and to stereotype and it's something I'm not proud of. I think at times many of us fall prey to this lack in judgment. It doesn't necessarily make us racists, it makes us angry. Just the same with no mention of the word or the sentiment at all people just seem to assume I'm a racist.
Which brings me to this evening. I have a friend who is a petite cute black gal whom I know from Friendly Confines. Her name is Erin and I'd have to say we are close. I think I may have mentioned such and brought up the topic before but I can't recall. In the past she has mentioned how we make an odd pairing, her being a little black girl me being the big skinhead. Despite what people may think we are rather close. To Erin I'm her 'T.B" her teddy bear she is my puppy dog. All this takes some explaining to justify this entry.
Every time we see each other, she screams and runs to me, I catch her in a big hug. It's been that way since we met. I don't recall exactly how it went but I knew she came up to me on the porch of Confines. Ever since we've had an affectionate and loving friendship. It's sort of odd. I've always been of the opinion that friendships between men and women come out of an unrequited sexual attraction. But she has a boyfriend whom she has been with for some time and I didn't really think of her in a sexual manner. We just have this odd thing where we clicked in some odd way. Neither of us can quite explain it but it works.
Which brings me to this evening. When I walked onto that porch there she was. She ran up to me and jumped on me which caught me offguard and honestly did me some injury. Just the same I held her up and our interaction began. She apologized for hurting me and just explained that when I come in she's like a puppy dog and can't help but run and jump. It's really an odd interaction beyond our appearances. She being hyperactive, me being easy going and even withdrawn at times. It's a weird closeness. She says I love you, I respond in kind. Indeed I do. As you love a sister or a close friend. But we don't know each other outside of that place and those occasional encounters. Just the same from that first night we met we found a kinship. That night we played the Buck Hunter game and made small talk among hugs and pleasantries. Tonight we relived some of those things and spoke of our affections for each other.
I think that this has put some strain on her relationship. Her bf initially expressed some resentment but has appeared to come around in time. She always assures me that her understands and respects what we have. Just the same it seems every time we spend any amount of time together some fight arises. I find her enthusiasm for me presence surprising at least, I can only imagine how it may strike him. Her affections for me are apparently remarkable in his experience, by his own account. I don't know him well, hell I can probly count the amount of time we've talked on one hand. Still I don't mean to undermine him, much less cause her to be berated or chided. I just find myself in an odd position at times. In the limited sense that we interact and know each other she is a good friend. She brightens my evenings and apparently I do the same for her. Our friendship is something complete unique for both of us. It defies rational explanation, and for a change that doesn't bother me. The effect we have on each other is profound and between us there is nothing but love. It's a weird inexplicable thing. Unfortunately it comes with this occasion worry for her happiness and well being, as it applies to her relationship.
I'm finding this is a bit of a pattern. On this particular evening she introduced me to her friend Amanda. She was also there with her bf, Jason. When Erin and her other half were engaged in bickering etc, Amanda and I began to speak. Apparently she is from Apalachicola, one of my favorite day trip destinations during college. Apalach, was a place I was introduced to by Tim years ago. When I told her the tales of our regular trips down the panhandle coast a conversation began. The conversation ran from there to fishing and Nascar and a variety of other "country" activities. During our talk she gradually began to ignore her other half as well. He tried on numerous occasions to get her attention all of which failed. We talked for an hour easily with him standing behind her. There were no overt expressions of frustration but his occasional attempts at interruption told a tale. Eventually he just mentioned that it was time they along with Erin and company were leaving. She expressed her regret in cutting the conversation short and in closing said to me "I now know what Erin sees in you."
Once again I felt a little guilty for having consumed the attention of someones gf. Just the same I didn't take her home or make a move on her so I wonder why it is I feel that degree of culpability. At that same time I wonder why I have this easy repore with attached women. I wonder if it's that I am safe and welcoming as I am often complimented for being. And that this safety allows for an easy diversion from their other halves. Perhaps as a consequence of this and a lack of physical attraction I'm approachable. I know they have another half, they're aware of this and feel free to engage. Maybe it's the reverse. My unwillingness to take emotional chances leaves me only opportunities with woman who approach me. Maybe they are more likely to approach me when they are in a sexually fulfilled relationship and are looking for a safe diversion. Which would be the combination of the two. My only wish is that somehow those traits would translate members of the opposite sex without significant others.
To be honest I'm not sure how this all comes together to work as well as it does. And though I often bemoan these encounters, I am thankful for the relationship I share with Erin. In time I've grown more attracted to her but I still have that independent friendship which is more important to me. I guess I know the feeling expressed by females about wanting not to risk a friendship. That's not to say I wouldn't be willing to entertain a relationship with her if I was approached. But it is to say I don't think I'd take unnecessary risks to raise the subject. I'm rather happy with what we are. I wouldn't want to sacrifice that excitement we share in one anothers company. |
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| Back to something resembling normal.... |
[Feb. 21st, 2008|03:04 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | pleased | ] |
I'm feeling better finally. It was a long week + of illness with fever, congestion, and whatnot. Fortunately I've been slowly recovering over the past couple days. I finally got out on Tuesday to play some trivia and test my strength etc. It was a good day and didn't really do any harm to my well being. This past evening was also eventful. Early in the evening I attended a cigar tasting at a local cigar store from which I bought my New Year's smoke. Apparently they do a promotion every month or two. This was my first and it was quite enjoyable. First and foremost ther was the free cigar, in this case a Don Thomas. I've never had anything made by Don Thomas before so I was exposed to something new. Coupled with that was a cheese and cold cut selection and beverages provided by the shop's owner. In short I got to smoke a good cigar, drink a couple complimentary beers, and socialize with fellow smokers. When I was in college I attended something similar on a couple occasions. It was different for me back then because I had friends with whom I smoked regularly. This was the first time in years I got to sit down and share a cigar with others. And it's something I have really missed. I honestly didn't realize how much until tonight. I had a really nice conversation with 3 other gentlemen while sitting at a table outside. It reminded me how pleasant and relaxing a cigar could be. I ended up buying a couple of the Don Thomas' including another free one which I recieved for purchasing 2. I think this is a habit I could get back into. When their next promotion comes up I know I'll be there.
That brings me to late this evening. For the first time in quite a while I got to see quite a few friends I haven't seen in months. I had been a little hesitant to go out tonight but it was really worth it. It's hard for some people to relate with my approach to things. Most people enjoy casual socialization at work, school, etc. In a way the bars are the only venue I have at which to do so. The fact that I patronize numerous places makes it difficult to keep up with everyone. However tonight my bar hopping made it possible for me to catch up with a half dozen or so folks I haven't seen in some time. Living the life I do leaves me open to criticism. This evening reaffirmed my faith in my way of life and the friendships I've made.
All in all I have to say it was a good day.
BTW I want to formally welcome Emaley Grace into the world. In doing so I once again offer my congratulations to her momma. I wish all the best for you both. |
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| Quick Addendum... |
[Feb. 14th, 2008|06:27 pm] |
I went to the doc today. She doesn't think it's a recurrence of cancer or anything of that magnitude. Her conclusion was that I'm still very sick and suffering from a combination of infections. Severe bronchitis, severe sinus infection, a form of flu not covered in the recent immunization and mild strepp all combining on this occasion. Almost an identical diagnosis to the one which landed me in the hospital about this time last year. Although in her opinion I was on the line of needing hospitalization I've been allowed to remain home. She prescribed a couple antibiotics, a throat rinse, a nasal spray, and an inhaler. All I need now is the pocket protector and tape on my glasses. It appears I'm gonna be down for some time with this one. And I'm still not out of the hospitalization threat woods. Let's hope the new stuff kicks in quick.
I'd like to extend my apologies to anyone I worried in the previous entry. I forget sometimes that this isn't just me and my demons some times.
BTW congrats to Kari on being offered full time gainful employment with her company in Oregon. She's been with there for over a year pounding things out without full time pay and priviledge. This just seems to be continuing evidence that your and Dan's decision to head north was the right one. Best wishes to you all. |
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| I keep doing this.... |
[Feb. 14th, 2008|06:49 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  sick | ] |
I'm tired of getting sick. I don't know how bad off I am. All I know is that I'm hacking up phlegm and blood. I know I have a fever that goes up and down. I know my head is as flooded as it can be. So once again I'm terrified.
Terrified it might be back, terrified of going to the hospital, terrified they'll make me stay. I don't know how to quit doing this. How to get used to being super sick once a year. It was at right about this time last year that the same thing happened. I got really sick, suffered for days and days, went to the hospital, and was immediately admitted. And I wrote here how I feared the worst lying in that bed. How I'd feared the worst sitting here at home. Somehow to the month it's all repeating itself. Still I can't stop myself from doing it.
I don't know how other people deal with this. Hell I don't know if other people deal with this in the first place. But it's proof of what another survivor told me years ago. He was in Moffitt for a check up one day when I was just getting well and ready to leave Tampa. I think he said he'd been in remission for 3 or so years at that point. We spoke for a while about our experiences. Shortly before he was called back to the clinic, he told me "the war never ends". I thought to myself isn't that a little melodramatic. But then I thought you know he might have it worse than most. So I nodded and the conversation trailed off to the Bucs or some other small talk. Now looking back on that almost 6 years later I wonder if this is what he was talking about.
We've established that I have been left in a deep depression and long stagnation. Unfortunately, occurences like these only prolong any recovery I attempt to make. For any confidence and initiative I build I get knocked down double. This time it's the fact I've been looking into welfare to work programs and the like. Right as I start to do so with some enthusiasm, wham this happens. I don't know how many more psychological wars I can wage.
All I know is I'm scared, haven't slept, and fearing what a doctor will tell me today. |
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| Some stuff... |
[Feb. 7th, 2008|04:07 am] |
Ok just two things for now.
First I've noticed a significant decrease in my vision in my right eye. Apparently I'm experiencing some cloudiness on the back side of my replacement lense from the cataract surgery. I'm told this is a small problem and from what I recall I had to have this corrected in my left eye. So I am scheduled for a laser procedure next tuesday, as of today. I'm hoping this will resolve this issue in short order.
The second topic for the evening is completely unrelated and just a personal rant. I'm not a movie guy. There are a couple movies I really enjoy and hold up as standards by which others are judged. Today I recorded Citizen Kane which I have never seen before. Citizen Kane for the uneducated is a black and white picture starring Orson Welles. It's also ranked #1 in many lists of the greatest movies of all time. For me this picture was something I've wanted to see for quite some time. This evening I watched it. I must confess I'm a little disappointed. That's not to say I didn't think it was a great piece of film. I just don't know if it's the greatest of all time. I thought it was a poignant portrayal of a self absorbed man. On top of that it was a great picture of the news media with an agenda. Just the same I don't know if it stands as the greatest. Perhaps my lack of a historical background somehow lessens my opinion. I thought it was a great film but it's not the awe inspiring experience I expected.
Anyways I don't have much else on my mind except to say thank you to the New York Giants for ending the whole Boston centric sports world.
I also wanted to extend my best wishes to Angela with the upcoming birth of her daughter, Emaley. I hope all goes well and I hope she knows if there's anything she might need I'm here.
With that I wish you all a good night. Or whatever time of day it is wherever u are. |
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